Ep 3: "I Didn't Mean it Like That!"—
Why You Still Owe An Apology

Hello, I'm Helen Billows, and this is the Trauma Nerd Podcast. I'm a registered psychologist, EMDR therapist, and I work exclusively with trauma. This podcast is for people who want psychologically sound explanations without pop psych shortcuts, toxic positivity, or excuses dressed up as empathy. We'll talk about trauma, responsibility, relationships, and recovery, backed by nuance, honesty, and of course, actual evidence. Let's get into it.

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Last episode, I talked about how empathy and responsibility keep getting very tangled up. How understanding why someone behaved a certain way can be mistaken for a reason they don't need to take responsibility for their behaviour — or that their responsibility can be reduced based on their trauma, adversity, or psychological context. We effectively debunked that last pod.

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At the end of that episode, I accidentally touched on the concept of intention and responsibility. This is also an important topic, and it's a close relative of the empathy and responsibility confusion.

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Hello, my name is Helen Billows and this is the Trauma Nerd Podcast. I'm a registered psychologist, EMDR therapist and supervisor, and I run a trauma-focused private practice in Adelaide, South Australia.

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You might be sitting there thinking — this is a trauma podcast, what on earth does this have to do with trauma and trauma therapy?

 

In my opinion, it has a lot to do with it. Because if you've ever been in a relationship with somebody — whether a family member, a romantic relationship, or even an adult child — who regularly confuses their intention with their responsibility, that relationship is going to be a problem. And in my opinion, when this occurs chronically, it can be a form of emotional abuse. Let me state my case first.

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"I Didn't Mean It Like That"

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I'm sure we've all heard it. I didn't mean it like that. My intentions were good, so it's not my fault. I don't need to take responsibility because I didn't intend for this to cause harm.

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They did cause harm. Something said or done caused a problem — but because it wasn't intended, somehow that means no responsibility is owed. That doesn't track.

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Let me clarify something first. When someone says I didn't mean it like that, they are responding to someone's pain by clarifying their intentions. And to be clear — if somebody accidentally upsets someone, clarifying intention is often a very important thing to do. It can add context, reduce misunderstanding, and it is an important element of the repair process. It helps the people you've upset understand where you were actually coming from.

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There is a better way to do it though, and I'll come to that later.

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Because here's the issue — even if your intentions were good, it doesn't mean you're not responsible for the impact you had. Not meaning to cause harm doesn't mean harm didn't occur.

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Intentions live in your head. Other people can't see your intentions. Impact is what everybody sees. That's what actually happened. And responsibility comes with that impact.

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I can't say: sure, I drove my car while I was drunk, but I didn't mean to kill somebody. I hit somebody with my car while I was drunk and I killed them, but I didn't mean to. All I intended to do was drink drive. Well, yeah — but you did. I didn't intend for that to happen is not going to go well for you in a courtroom. And it represents faulty reasoning: I didn't intend to cause harm, therefore I'm not responsible for the harm that occurred.

 

It doesn't make sense. Good intentions don't absolve anybody of responsibility for the outcome or impact they've caused.

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Why We Rush to Defend Instead of Repair

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What's often happening here is that people hear you hurt me and it feels like an attack. It gets received as: you did it intentionally, therefore you are a bad person. That feels like a poor faith interpretation of our character, and it leads us to feel misrepresented.

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So naturally — as the imperfect beings we all are — we rush to defend our character instead of responding to the injury we've caused. This is where things like I was just joking and I didn't mean it like that come in.

But these sentences don't repair anything. They're not apologies. They're not even really explanations. They're just defensive. And they will feel very dismissive and very invalidating to the person you've hurt, because you're not expressing remorse or repairing the problem.

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Why This Is a Trauma Issue

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I'm sure half of the listeners are already there — because you've been in a relationship with somebody who did this consistently. Who confused their intention with the outcome of their actions, frequently.

Because here's the problem: if every time they hurt you, every time they say or do something that hurts your feelings, their good intentions mean you're not allowed to be upset — that's not okay. Life doesn't work like that.

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Of course the people in your relationships mostly have good intentions towards you. We would hope so. But if you're with somebody who confuses these concepts, you're actually never allowed to be upset at anything they do — because they will always be able to reason their way out of it. Well, I intended this. So your feelings — not allowed.

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That is a form of gaslighting. It becomes emotionally abusive. And no, they're not intending to emotionally abuse or gaslight you either. But again — intention is irrelevant, because that's what's happening.

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If you're never allowed to be upset because the other person had good intentions, you're just never allowed to be upset. What ends up happening is that the person who's never allowed to be upset has their emotional reality constantly overruled. Their feelings always come last because the other person's intentions are setting the emotional tone. That's not okay and it's not fair.

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Multiple Simultaneous Truths

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This is where we need more flexible thinking again. Multiple simultaneous truths.

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Your intentions can be good and you can also cause harm. You can be a good person and also cause harm. You can be well-intentioned and wrong. You can be well-intentioned and clumsy. Hello, that's me all the time. I am frequently, always well-intentioned — always, always, always. But I put my foot in it a lot with clumsy wording. That's where my apologies often have to come from. It's a character trait.

You can be well-intentioned and still owe an apology.

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How to Actually Repair It

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The helpful way to respond if you've accidentally hurt somebody is this:

I didn't intend to hurt you, but I can see that I did. I'm so sorry that what I said came across that way. What I actually intended was this.

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Clarify your intentions — that's great, that's a good thing to do. But you also need to express remorse and acknowledge that harm was caused.

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Do not say: I'm sorry you took it that way. That one is straight to jail. You don't pass go, you don't get $20.

In the same jail category: I was just joking. You can't be upset, it was just a joke. Come on, you need to lighten up. I was just kidding. That is invalidation.

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And if this confusion occurs consistently in a relationship, that is a form of emotional abuse. Again, probably unintentional — but you get the gist.

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Thank you so much for listening. If this resonated, share it with someone — maybe even send it passive aggressively to someone who needs to hear it. Please send your questions and ideas for future topics through the website. I love hearing what you want to explore next. Take care and I'll see you next time.