Ep 9. From Road Rage to Sobbing: A Trauma Therapist's Tool for Discharging Anger

Have you ever had an angry reaction that felt too big for the moment? Or a flash of rage you couldn't quite explain?

In this episode I share a simple, body-based technique for discharging angry energy, the kind that surfaces after a trauma trigger or a genuine threat. It's not a cure. It's a coping tool. But it works fast, and what comes up underneath the anger is often the thing that actually needs to be felt.

I also tell you about the night an aggressive driver tailgated me through the Adelaide Hills, how I went from raging to sobbing within minutes, and why that exact emotional trajectory is the same one we see in EMDR processing.

If you struggle with anger that feels disproportionate, or you've got a temper you suspect is rooted in something older, this one's for you.

A reminder before we start: this is a coping strategy, not a substitute for trauma therapy. Always get medical clearance before intense physical exertion.

• Read the Transcript

  Hello, and welcome to the Trauma Nerd Podcast. The ninth episode, may I add. I can't believe it's already been nine episodes. That is amazing. It's gone so quickly.

  Here I was at the beginning thinking, am I going to be able to come up with enough to talk about? And it's been rather the opposite. If 100% is the amount I have to talk about, it's been not even 1% that I've been able to put into these pods. If I didn't also have a full-time job in my trauma therapy practice, I'd be able to do so much more of this and actually do long podcasts with loads of information in them. But I just don't have the time, especially with a two-year-old. They're very time-consuming, parents, I'm sure you all know.

  So this is going to be another one I'll call quick, even though it probably won't be, but it was quickly put together. I was sick for the last pod, and then for this one, you know when you're sick for a while and the next few weeks you're just playing catch up? That's where I've been. So I haven't been able to plan a big podcast.

  Being that this is the ninth episode, for the 10th I think I'll be able to do something a little more comprehensive. And I actually think there's going to be 11 episodes, because I already had a plan. So I digress. There's more coming. But I think the first season's almost done, which is really exciting, and I've got lots of exciting stuff planned.

  So let me talk about the pod. Today I have a tool for you that I think can be really helpful for trauma-related anger triggers. The idea being that if you notice yourself having angry reactions that feel like they're not right, that don't fit the situation, or you just have a sense that there's something a little more to this response, this might help.

  It's not a solution. It's a coping strategy. And if you've seen my website, I'm all about not just helping you cope. There's value to coping. I'm not against coping, that's important. I just think only coping isn't our only goal. I want to help people heal as well. But that's where trauma therapy comes in. I can't help you heal fully in a podcast.

  This technique is about discharging angry energy, and it can work quite rapidly. It's ultimately about using your body to digest fight energy that's arising as a result of a trauma trigger, or an actual threat situation, which I'm going to give you an example of in a moment.

  The idea is you intensely activate your body with physical activity. People who go to the gym are probably already doing this without realising. This is the whole idea of physical activity helping your mental health, but it's a really specific application of that.

  So the version I read was, you can be sitting in a chair, you can really do anything. You put your hands underneath the bottom of the chair and you pull up as hard as you can, while simultaneously pushing down into the floor with your feet.

  You want to do that for about 30 seconds. You may need to do it repeatedly. So 30 seconds, take a little break, do another 30 seconds, take a break, do another 30 seconds. I'd encourage you, if you're trying it out, to rate your anger each time. I suspect if you start off with an anger response of like a nine out of 10, zero being neutral and 10 being the most intense anger you could possibly feel, every 30 seconds is probably going to take it down two to three notches. You might get to a zero, but more realistically you might land on a two, three, or four. Which, if you started at a 10, is actually pretty fantastic.

  Just keep in mind, you might need a few reruns of it, and you need to do it for about 30 seconds. And I feel like I should add a disclaimer here. Obviously, don't do it if your doctor's advised against you exercising, or you have a heart problem. Get clearance first.

  The intention is to really activate your muscles, so we're putting in literally 10 out of 10. You're going for gold, all of your effort.

  What should happen is that the anger discharges, and whatever is underneath should emerge. Generally it will be a more vulnerable emotion that needs to be felt.

  To give context as to why this works: that top anger layer is really the defensive reaction. The protective mama bear reaction of, ugh, get out of here. So it's a fight response, really. And underneath that fight response is going to be the fear, the vulnerability, whatever is underlying the survival reaction. Through digesting that top fighty layer, you should be able to access the more tender feelings underneath it.

  I can give you an example of a time I used this and it worked extremely effectively for me. I haven't used it in a long time actually, but when I have, I really liked it.

  I was driving through the Adelaide Hills one evening, and I had a ute with high beams on tailgating me. They were driving, you know when you can just tell somebody's driving aggressively? They were really close, going back and forth, and I could tell they were pissed off. They were freaking me out. I increased my speed a bit, so as not to speed, but just to go a little faster to placate them because they were scaring me. But they just tailgated me more. It did nothing.

  I do want to note, not that anything would warrant that behaviour, but I truly did nothing. I'd admit it if I'd accidentally cut them off or something, if there was a trigger point. But I honestly think this person was just pissed off that I wasn't willing to go 70 in a 50 zone.

  I was terrified, to the point where I actually pulled into somewhere I wasn't going, because I seriously thought this person was going to follow me and hurt me. So I pulled up into my fake destination, and as I slowed down to turn in, they aggressively, you know how they speed up to overtake you because they're annoyed? They did that, went onto the wrong side of the road to get around me, and abused me out the window.

  By the time I pulled over, I was furious. I was raging. Looking back, I can see that I was terrified, but at the time I think I was just like, that mother effer. How dare they do that to me? I didn't do anything. That was totally unprovoked. What is wrong with them? I was raging. So angry.

  But also note, I was shaking, profusely sweating, my heart was racing, I couldn't think straight. This is a survival reaction in response to an active threat, which is an appropriate response in that situation, because there was a threat. There was a genuine threat to my safety. That aggression is going to trigger a threat response. Of course it is. I was scared.

  So to clarify, that is not a trauma response, because there was an active, legitimate threat there, and I was legitimately frightened for my safety.

  So, like the true trauma therapist I am, I remembered this strategy and gave it a go. I'm constantly therapising myself, so at least you know everything I do, I've tried first on myself. I'm my own guinea pig for everything. I grabbed my steering wheel with everything I had, ugh, and pushed down on the floor with my feet for about 30 seconds.

  And guess what happened? I burst into tears. I was sobbing. Heaving, sobbing, really intensely, deeply sobbing.

  The way I conceptualised that: I was safe. That person was gone. I didn't think they were coming back. I was safe, and because I had achieved safety, that angry surface layer was able to digest. So the vulnerable feelings underneath were then able to surface, and really it was terror. I was just terrified. So I sat there and sobbed about how completely terrifying that had been. I breathed through it, let my emotions flow, and gave myself permission to feel everything that came up. Because that's really what our feelings need, especially when we're working with trauma-related or threat-related feelings.

  All our body wants to do is feel them. We really need to allow that to happen when active processing is occurring. Once I finished crying, because it does, it won't last forever, I'd processed it. I let it go. It was probably a few minutes that I was just heaving, sobbing, and then I was absolutely fine. I sat there, grounded, recognised I was safe, and was able to drive home and talk to my partner about what had happened.

  I was still angry. I was like, that guy, that's crazy, how dare they. But I wasn't raging. I was just angry that someone treated me like that. It was regulated anger. And that co-regulation, that talking about it, is an important part of the process too, because I'm helping my brain really fully integrate the experience. We actually do that in EMDR too.

  I strongly believe that experience probably would have become a stuck trauma memory if I hadn't digested the anger to then enable those feelings to arise and allow them to be processed.

  From a trauma therapist's perspective, the trajectory I followed emotionally, from rage, to terror, I'm not safe, I'm in danger, to I'm okay, I'm safe now, is literally what can be witnessed during EMDR processing. EMDR you can think of as basically initiating that emotional information processing system that wasn't able to occur at the time.

  So if I hadn't been able to do that at the time, I'd have been able to do EMDR on it, and the literal same trajectory would have occurred anyway. When we use EMDR, we're triggering that exact process, just at a later time, because obviously it hasn't happened at the time and the experience has gotten a bit stuck.

  EMDR will enable you, when it's done well and you're a good candidate, for that memory to fully process and be integrated. You won't necessarily follow the same trajectory, because you might have a different experience. But there will be some kind of trajectory that lands in a place of, I'm safe, I'm okay, I'm fine as I am, I'm lovable, I'm worthy. Whatever the landing place is, that will be the end result. So that's really cool.

  This strategy can work in a situation like mine where there's an actual threat. You need to be safe when you do it, though. Don't do it during an active threat. It needs to be over, because otherwise I can't imagine it would work if you're still in danger, since the survival reaction will still be firing.

  And do remember, it's not a trauma response if the threat is present and real. At that point, it's a normal survival response. It's considered trauma once it gets stuck and causes you problems later.

  If you experience a threat and you're angry and overwhelmed, this might help your emotional processing. Just be prepared to feel whatever is underneath it, fully. I think it can also work really well with trauma triggers. So if you have a temper, or an angry response you think is related to the past, or you just sense there's something deeper about it, this might help.

  It can also just be interesting, and help with your understanding, connecting the dots and your insight, even just to know what's underneath it. Sometimes that can be quite surprising. But most of all, it can be helpful if we're able to reduce the intensity of the anger. If we've got a recurring difficulty with anger, or a trigger that makes us angry, this can be very helpful to reduce the intensity. And most people who have difficulties managing their anger are seeking exactly that.

  That is it for me today. I hope you're enjoying the listen so far. I have some really exciting stuff coming up, so stay tuned. Leave a review, subscribe to the mailing list, I promise I won't annoy you. Take care, and see you next time.