Ep 6. The Subtle Way Well-Intentioned Parents Leave Wounds (And How to Repair It)

When most people hear the word trauma, they picture something severe. Visible neglect, abuse, the kind of childhood that's obviously hard to look at.

But there's a much larger group whose pain is just as real and whose origin story looks completely ordinary. Loving, well-intentioned parents who made mistakes and never quite circled back. Marks left without anyone meaning to leave them.

This episode is about one of the smallest, most powerful things a parent can do to stop those marks from forming. It costs nothing. It takes about three sentences. And it can completely rewrite what a young child concludes about themselves and the people who love them.

If you grew up in a household where mistakes were brushed past and you've spent your adulthood quietly wondering if everything is your fault, this one's for you. And if you're a parent worried about the moments you haven't gone back to yet, this is too.

• Read the Transcript

  I work exclusively with adults, so everything I know about childhood trauma, I know because I've spent years sitting opposite the adults it impacted. So I have learned a few things about what can have huge effects on children. And sometimes it is not what we're expecting.

  Hello, I'm Helen Billows and this is the Trauma Nerd Podcast. I'm a registered psychologist, EMDR therapist and supervisor, and I run a trauma-focused private practice in Adelaide, South Australia.

  Today I'm going to share one thing. One. I mean, it's a fairly simple thing, but actually, is anything that simple? I think all the simple things are complex in their own way. A simple thing that makes an enormous difference as to whether children grow up carrying a lot of unnecessary shame, guilt, and self-blame into adulthood. It won't make you a perfect parent, because nothing will, and that's not the goal. But it might change what your child concludes about themselves the next time you have a bad day.

  When most people hear the word trauma, they picture something quite severe. Severe abuse or neglect, the kind of childhood that's very obviously, visibly terrible. And of course that exists, and I work with it every day. But a large group of people don't necessarily fit that picture.

  Their experiences come from loving, very well-intentioned parents who made mistakes. Sometimes because they didn't know better, sometimes because they had their own trauma. Either way, they were generally fairly normal families and parents who were trying. People who love their children very much and still, without meaning to, left marks.

  That's a really uncomfortable thing to say. But if we only ever talk about trauma in the context of that kind of stereotypical or quite dramatic picture, we're leaving out a really large group of people whose pain is very real, but whose origin story looks a lot more ordinary.

  So this big build up. Pray tell us, Helen, what is the big reveal? Not apologising when you mess up with them.

  So why is this so important? Young children are what we call egocentric. Not in a rude way, not in a rude way. We usually mean that word in a very normal, developmental, neurological way.

  
  Psychologist Piaget — I think that's how you say it — observed that a young child's brain is not fully capable yet of separating their experience of the world from themselves. So everything that happens to them or that they experience gets filtered through that lens, and they process information in a way that places them at the centre of it.

  
  Now I am big on reminding that theories are just that, theories. They're not facts. Piaget's theory has been debated and refined over the decades, but the core observation has tended to hold up. Young children tend to interpret events as being about them, caused by them, or because of them. We are talking like two to seven-ish here. Never set in stone, but that's the guideline.

  
  So when something goes wrong in a young child's world, they don't have the cognitive tools yet to step outside of themselves and understand that adult problems, adult emotions, and adult decisions exist outside of them and independently of them.

  Let me make this a little more concrete. I'll use the example of dad. Dad got overwhelmed and screamed. Maybe he said something unkind. Maybe he smashed something. Maybe he threw something. And then crickets.

  Everyone moves on. Nobody mentions it again, dinner gets made, the evening continues. Nobody addresses what happened.

  A young child's brain doesn't sit with that and conclude, oh, dad was having a hard day. Their brain fills in the gaps with what it has available. And what it comes up with, given the egocentrism, is likely to sound something like: that happened because I did something wrong. It was my fault. I deserved it. It must be okay for people to behave like that. It must be okay for people to treat me like that, because nobody said anything.

  Let me really operationalise this. I'll use mum now, let's be fair. The kids are playing and being noisy in the lounge room. Mum gets overstimulated, screams at them, yells, what's wrong with you, just be quiet. Mum moves on and pretends nothing happened.

  The children are left feeling scared, shameful, probably guilty. Totally believing they did something wrong. They're bad. It's on them. The children believe they deserved it, despite mum's reaction actually being very disproportionate and unwarranted. Mum's actually got an apology to make there. But she doesn't. So the children believe it's all their fault. Mum doesn't apologise or acknowledge any wrongdoing, so no corrective information is provided. The children go on to believe those untrue things about the event because nobody tells them otherwise.

  In cases where this is a regular occurrence, the impact can be very far-reaching and damaging. Things like: when I make mistakes or behave in ways people don't like, I can lose connection with the people I love. And what does that mean? That love is conditional. And what does that mean? That I need to be perfect to keep it. That if I don't do X, Y, Z, I might lose my important relationships.

  Obviously a young child is not going to be literally thinking those things. That's not what I'm saying. But you would be amazed at the connections and associations a child's brain can make in a situation like this. And I've seen it. When I'm working on memories of people who have experienced things like this, we're working with their child perspective. And that's what will come up. So the message and meaning is there, even if they're not consciously thinking it. And it will store in their nervous system, in their body.

  If we think about this being a repeated pattern across months and years, like a whole upbringing — generally if you have a parent who has a tendency to do this, it's probably kind of the way they manage conflict in general. They just head it off and pretend nothing happened. So if this is happening, it's probably happening quite a lot.

  The child is going to carry those conclusions into adulthood, into their relationships, their workplaces, their sense of what they're allowed to expect from others. Believing that when someone treats them badly, they probably deserved it. That things are generally their fault. That love has to be earned. And that every small mistake or conflict can risk losing connection.

  I see those adults regularly. The origin story is sometimes a childhood full of moments that nobody acknowledged, apologised for, or ever went back to address.

  So an apology can stop this in its tracks. That's it. That's the whole intervention.

  When you go back as a parent and you acknowledge what happened. Guys, I shouldn't have yelled like that. That wasn't okay. It wasn't your fault. I'm so sorry, sweetheart. You are providing the context and that much-needed corrective information that the child's brain cannot generate on its own. You are giving them something to work with other than their own inaccurate and egocentric conclusion.

  Here's what a child's brain is going to do with that. Oh, okay. Mum got mad, but it was an accident. She didn't mean it. It wasn't my fault. It's not okay for people to treat me like that, or for people to treat others like that in general, which is why mum came back and said sorry. She still loves me. I'm still good.

  That is an enormous amount of healthy information packed into one or two sentences.

  Not just about what happened in that moment, but about how relationships work. That conflict is survivable. That people can do something wrong and own it. That it doesn't have to be a big deal. That love doesn't disappear when we make small mistakes, or when people get mad at us, or when things go badly. That your little one is worth coming back for. That our love for them is bigger than our own ego. And that their needs, feelings, and rights are more important than our pride.

  I shouldn't have yelled like that. That wasn't okay. It wasn't your fault. I'm sorry. How many sentences is that? Three, four? That will completely rewrite what your young child concludes about themselves and the people who love them.

  Again, this is not about being a perfect parent. We don't want you to be a perfect parent, because your child needs to observe imperfect parents who follow up well. It's not about not losing your temper, because you will. You're human. That's genuinely fine. It's about what you do afterwards. How you follow it up.

  As parents, we are literally the centre of our child's universe. That is an enormous amount of power, and we need to use it wisely. For good. And always, always, always with their best interests at heart.

  If you're listening to this as a parent and you're thinking about moments you haven't gone back to yet, it's not too late. Children are remarkably forgiving when the repair is genuine, and their brains are just longing for that healthy information. They will absorb easily anything you give them. So if you recognise you haven't been doing this, just start now. You don't need to be a perfect parent. You need to be a committed one and an authentic one.

  Thank you so much for listening. Take care, and I'll see you next time.